March 27, 2011

~SPRING BREAK~

The picture is of my first day of spring break, with my grandparents at the Tucson Airport, where they flew me in to spend the holidays with family.

In retrospect, a very hard year still yields evidence of God's goodness, for which I have to be thankful. Last March, I was sick, frightened, and hospitalized in just the beginning of a rollercoaster of horror. A year later, the world looks different.

Last spring break, my mom and my baby brother Kendon flew from Ukraine to be with me in the hosptial. A year later... they're back again, and we're hanging out in the endless space of The SouthWest with nothing more pressing than fitting in all the laughter.

Although life isn't perfect, there is a sharp contrast between this spring break and last. And I just wanted to say that it's pretty incredible to me right now.

March 4th, 2011

New! At school! And very unhappy....

Why?

Because I hate unjustified expectations! And it seems that life is abounding with them right now. What do I mean?

-You're too quiet

-You're not sociable enough

-You smile too much

-You talk too much

-You don't talk enough

-You should be more fun

-You should calm it down

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.!

Well, although these come at me from every angle in life, I wasn't expecting so much criticism when I came to school. It is impossible to please everyone! And I know that all that matters at the end of the day is that I am pleasing God and myself.

While contiplating what to make my next post on, I came to the realization looking over my NewsFeed on Facebook that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Don't we all feel pressured in life? Categorized? Evaluated? Criticized? I know I'm not alone in having this situation in life. People see you, meet you, hear about you, whatever - and they expect certain things from you. How you should act. How you should sound. What you should care about or be interested in. But we can't perform to everyone's expectations, and often, especially when it is someone we love or someone we look up to, I think we might find ourselves frustrated with trying to change ourselves to please them all.

That end is anger, frustration, bitterness, sadness, etc.

What to do?!?!

"Why are you sitting by yourself?"

"Because I would like some quiet and to focus on the sermon tonight."

The offended look, the judging glance. I expected you to have a different response...

You can shrug it off.

Or try to change to please them.

Or??

Well. That has been somewhat of my puzzlement for many years. How DO I make others happy with who I am, when I feel I have to change in order to do that?

God gave me the answer in a really amazing sermon. Pastor Jason Gaddis is the young new pastor of Southwest Baptist Church, where I now attend at school. He stepped up into position, following in the legacy of a very great and renowned pastor, Sam Davidson. How intimidating!!

He preached a message the God used to speak RIGHT into my soul. "How can I fill Sam Davidson's shoes?!" was the question he struggled with. He knew that so many thousands of church members, college students, and other churches would be looking at him with expectations, judgments, evaluations, criticisms (whether well meant or not). I love the answer that God gave him, because it was the answer I need.

"Jason, what size shoe do you wear?"

"Um... size 10, Lord."

"Jason, what size shoe does Sam Davidson wear?"

"Well, he wears size 13 cowboy boots, Lord."

"Jason, you can never fit into those shoes."

"What am I to do, Lord??!"

"Jason, don't you realize that when I created you, before you were born, I determined what size feet you were going to have? And I knew the life that I was going to put before you. Jason, you will never fit into Sam's shoes because I did not create you to! I created you with your own unique shoe size, and that is where I will be the happiest with you. You can't try and try to fill in someone else's shoes. To try to live up to other people's expectations or desires. You have to be who *I* created you to be, and look to *ME* and then you will be in my will, and I can use you!!"

Wow. This little dialogue as related by Pastor Gaddis touched my heart!!!!

Do I need change? Of course! I will never come to a place where I will stop needing to grow. I am growing and praying that God will change my life to be better for HIM! And God gave me great peace through that sermon. That he created me exactly how he wanted. And he knew that he wasn't going to make me sociable. And he knew that he wasn't going to make me slow-and-steady. And that's okay!! No matter what anyone else thinks or wants! =D

And once I accept this, there is peace. No frustration, anger, hurt, discouragement. PEACE! And God can grow me now. Will he change those things in my life? Possibly. But then it will be HIM changing ME for HIS glory, and not me conforming to other people.

Let me tell you, I am so encouraged right now. Because I know I'm not perfect.... but God didn't create me perfect! He created me as ME and He wants the pleasure of changing me Himself, in His own will, to His own glory and purposes, at His own timing!!

I hope this was a blessing to someone.

I'm not mad at any person as I write this, so I assuredly hope that none of my readers who personally know me will find any reason to take offense. But this was what God put on my heart to share, because I know that I'm not alone.

FILL YOU OWN SHOES!!

And let GOD change you for His own purposes!!!

I hope everyone is doing well. Let me know how you're doing! Spring is almost here! =)

The verse I leave is from Revelation 4:11.

"Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for THOU has created all things, and for THY PLEASURE they are and were created."

I hope this was a blessing. =)

February 26th, 2011

Can you believe that this month is practically over? And March is peeking just around the corner? Seeing as how February is definitely one of my least-favorite months, I'm looking forward to crossing it off the calendar. But spring is also my least favorite season, so I'm not that excited about March... or April... or even May. I guess it's a lose-lose situation!

With the changing seasons, I've been thinking about change in my own life. How there have been so many changes on the outside... I found myself going through a completely foreign life in a completely foreign routine to what I knew just 2 months ago... but not so many changes on the inside. Quiet moments during the day, or those few breif seconds when my head hits the pillow before I fall asleep, I feel that time isn't really passing by. It's like my life is just one big standstill and the rest of the world is going by around me.

Regardless, I have become aware that I made a huge career-chocie mistake!!

Journalism? English? Business? What??

I should be a singer!!! =)

Okay.
Not really. I'm not about to quit college and go off and make my own band. But, I've been told so many times the past 2 months this, that I figured I ought to share! For those of you who know me, I sing a lot. All the time. Random songs. Random moments. I started singing to entertain myself when I was a little girl. I took voice lessons last year, and my favorite class at college is CHOIR! =) One of the best memories I have from this last year is my brother and I hollering along with the Ipod player driving down the road around town.

Now that I work long hours, and often late into night, I find myself singing more often, especially at work. And although it took me by surprise, I have been approached on so many occassions by the various coworkers about my vocal talent!! First, I just kind of brushed it off. Three people?

Four? Six? Wow!!!

So, I've been thinking.If something goes wrong with this path of life....

I'm forming a group and hitting the road to become a singer! =)

Psalms 96:1 O sing unto the LORD a new song: sing unto the LORD, all the earth.

Psalms 98:4 Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise.

February 21st

Happy President's Day!!!

It has been several weeks since I posted last, and I apologize. Adjustment has been slow and sure and hard. But I can see how God has been with me each day.

I got my first paycheck from my job on Tuesday.

Let me say, was I ever PUMPED!!!! =)
It only happens once in your life, so I am in celebration, and wanted to share with you all!

A few things to also share about how God has sent little blessings. A week ago or so, when I was running out of money waiting for that paycheck, I really wanted some hand sanitizer and some hand lotion. Even though it seems like a small sum, just a few dollas, when just a few dollars is all you have in your purse - it becomes huge. So I just pushed it aside.

Then, God sent me a care box! The first in over a year. Not only was I touched to see the care and thought, but also to see the *chocolate* =) and especially the hot chocolate mixes! But then I got to the bottom... and there was hand santizier, and hand lotion. Wow. I was so stunned. It was so little... but it was huge to me...

Don't overlook the little blessings God sends you in life!

I hope to update more this week, but my break at work is quickly over and so I will draw this to a close. I think of my reader often! I hope it has been a good month for everyone.

My closing verse is John 3:16. Which everyone knows... but it's still so true... God SO LOVED me... he sent his son... and did even more, like sending a care box! =)

January 19th, 2011

Has anyone ever seen the old-fashioned TV series called Bonanza?

When I first arrived in Oklahoma, I thought I had arrived on the Ponderosa Ranch and would soon be bumping into the famous, long-lost Western Cartwright characters such as Ben, Adam, Little Joe or Hoss! Coming from the bustling, modern, culturally-accelerated Chicago area, my new residence in the quiet, flat ranges of the Southwest ranching lands was such a change that I felt transported to another time and country. Although I have become a bit more situated, the change from what I have been used to is still huge and continues to deeply infiltrate every part of my life.

THE DORM

Coming from one girl's dorm to a campus with five girl's dorms, the residence I'm calling "home" was the second change I had to face soon after I drove into Oklahoma City. My dormitory is called "Mercy." It is a low brick structure positioned at the front of the campus beside a wide, barren lawn of grass asleep for the winter. At one end of the parking lot is a lush, heavily-branched magnolia tree; at the other, is the security tower where the guards keep endless vigil at the gates.

I live on the second floor, second door to the left, room number 404. My roommates are Melissa (a junior) and Meghan (a freshman). We live in suites; the room attached to our suite is room 402 where my suitemates are Jessica (a junior) and my sister Katrina. Each dorm is run by a Resident Advisor (RA) and two assistant RA's. I have not decided if it is blessing or not, but all three RA's for my dorm are in the rooms directly across the hall from mine. Hence, we are the first room to be inspected for chores, lights out, etc. But it does mean that we do not have to worry about too much noise - everyone is on tiptoe when they come to this side of the dorm, hoping to steal past the RA's unnoticed! My room is very close to the stairwell and emergency exit. It is also right next to the dorm lounge, where the pet fish Pedro keeps residence in a fishbowl.

For those who have experienced my previous college, it is difficult for me to correctly capture the difference between the two dormitories - but the difference is vast. While the former was quiet, carpeted, trimmed in oiled wood and boasted a high-arching, windowed lobby, it was kept bare and free from any visible evidence of residents. Heartland's dormitory is grey and white with florescent lamps and no gorgeous lofts or lobbeys. But the long white halls and the lounge are excitedly interrupted with colorful banners, slogans, bulletin boards, and other fraternity highlights. Pictures of the girls hang on the room doors and are tacked around the lounge walls. In replacement of hush and precision; bouyancy and vigor is the atmosphere.

Which do I prefer?

I am by nature quiet and withdrawn and simple. But the energy and charisma of the new dorm (and its residents!) is not a bad change. Just a very abrupt one.

God has blessed me with a wonderful RA, Bree. I have full confidence in her watchcare and she has demonstrated a personal care and interest that has been a huge encouragement. One of the assistant RA's is my "prayer sister" for the weekly prayer nights. Her name is Jaimie and her down-to-earth, sensible kindness to me has been a blessing, too!


ACADEMICS

I am taking 19 credit hours this semester. I had wanted a slightly-lighter load for the first semester, to ease up the transitions and while I began working a job, but God handed me a 19-hour-load, so I know he will have to be helping me to get through them all!

My classes are:
-Teaching Math (grrrrrr....)
-Teaching Science & Social Studies (I have to demonstrate an experiment in class soon!)
-Audio/Visual Methods of Teaching (what other ways can you teach besides just lecture?)
-Tests & Measurements (I have to learn how to make tests and evaluate student progress)
-Genesis (the beginning of all history)
-The Poetical Books of the Bible (Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon)
-Encounters with Christ (how did he change the lives he encountered?)
-Personal Evangelism (fun!)
-Choir (some 180 of us, maybe? it's a big choir)

The Bible classes are the same as my other college. Just different professors and thier individual approaches - but the Bible content is still the same. (Obviously.)
The teaching classes are... eh. I'm not that thrilled. This college's method of training to teach is a completely different concept with a very different focus. While I formerly was trained to gain as much experience in my teaching field (English and business) as possible, with a smaller emphasis put on general teaching knowledge (such as philosophy, methodology, testing and curriculum history); this college practices the complete opposite! Get as much general knowledge as possible, and even take classes about subjects that are not in your teachign fields (such as the teaching Math and Science & Social Studies classes!) and focus in a more minimal way on your exact field. I'm not sure I understand this approach or training. I am just glad that I went above and beyond in my previous years and took an excessive number of English and business classes. In fact, with 2 more years still to go, I have already exceeded the number of total English classes I would need to graduate from this college with my bachelor's degree for that field! Now I just have to get caught up in thier program by taking many, many broad and widescale teaching theory classes.


MINISTRIES

I have been assigned to a pre-teen Junior Church! I am really looking forward to the experience of working with the older groups, the young teenagers. I have wide experience with children, but very little direct training with teens and preteens. Accordingly, I am quite happy about this and look forward to training and serving with the greatest zeal!

I have also been assigned to an outreach soul-winning group on Tuesday nights called "Operation Saturation." There are enough of us to fill up 3 busloads. We go out into the city and knock on doors, invite folks to church, and present the gospel. I have really enjoyed the spirit and approach of my fellow soul-winners from what I have experienced so far. There is no staff "push" to be a soul-winner. The busses are lead by upperclassmen students and the attitude of excitement and prayer kept by the students themselves. This has been a big impression on me, and I have been thoroughly encouraged.

I also sing in the choir on Wednesday nights!

*Note: the college body sits in the balcony for church services. There is a great deal of space to cross when making my way from the balcony, down the stairs, across the length of the auditorium, up into the choir loft, and back the exact same route. I am awaiting the day for something terrible to happen - for a heel to catch, or to run into a pew, or to fall down the stairs, etc. Am I the only one who views the huge church as a potentially hazardous course?

In closing,

I want to thank my readers for thier kind and thoughtful comments - and especially for the suggestions on what direction to take my first post. God has blessed me with almost immediate employment, but there is so much to share - that will have to be the next post! =)

Feel free to drop a line! I love to hear from my readers.

If I could ask for a personal prayer request, it would be prayer for grace. Grace to acclimate. To adjust to the changes. To adjust to working a 30-hour job. To adjust to being a new school. For this adjustment to be graceful, and not such hectic, head-of-heels tumble into oblivion!


The verse I'm going to link to this post is John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:

not as the world giveth, give I unto you.

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

January 24th, 2011

Well, I am alive!

But I'm also having an incredibly difficult time accessing the internet. So this blog has been put on hold while I try to figure out the ins and outs of being The New Girl At School... because there is so much to adjust to! A new location, school, rules, faculty, student body, church, ministries, more rules, employment, etc......

But I found a way to access this blog today and wanted to say HEY to any readers I have left out there.

I deeply apologize for almost a month without a post. I am praying that God shows me a way to keep up on this blog, because it is something I really want to do.

Please drop me comments! Let me know how everyone is doing. Maybe suggestions about what aspect of my new life you would like to hear about first? There are so many options... (see above paragraph for a few of them).

Until the next post!

January second, 2011

I'll be back soon!

Promise!!